Blips

I just realized something yesterday. I know 7 single people who are around my age. Of these, 3 are only children; 2 have one sibling each; 1, his sisters are older enough that when he was growing up they were more like baby-sitters than siblings; and the other, she has 2 siblings, but I don't know what their childhood situation was like.

Isn't this a little odd? Is there something about this home-based solitude during our formative years that keeps us from connecting as easily as people from larger families? Some second nature we never developed? (Some of us, anyway; obviously not all.)

Two things struck me hard in the heart recently. And I don't mean this to be a sadness post, cos I'm not exactly sad. But at the Buttercup Mansion fete the other day, someone told Mary Bean's grandmother that Mary has her ears. I thought, ears? I've got no one's anything. Not offspring; not other family. Such things have been hitting me deeper lately, but for some reason that one really knocked me for a loop.

Here's the other one. My parents were in a minor car accident the other day. They're fine, thank God. Their car was t-boned in the back passenger seat. My cousin Marc went to pick them up and help them with a few things. I subsequently imagined a situation where I was thanking Marc for doing things like that and telling him how much they love spending time with his kids and stuff, how much it means to them. Especially since [here's where I choked up] it's likely to be as close to grandkids as they're ever going to get. The kind of thing you say a lot when you're in circumstances like mine without really meaning it, but let's be realistic. I'm 39 now. As I've said to some of you, if I'm ever going to have kids, I have to get started in like 10 minutes.

And it leads me back to the same old question: Will I ever get to be the most important person in someone's life? The person he says No to others for?

Sigh.

One good thing about this: I don't really dwell on it like I used to. I realized a year or so ago what a waste of time and energy that was, and things about myself that I am working on changing. But it is still there, and it does rise to the surface every so often. And every so often I just feel fundamentally unlovable.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled delight.